Photos coming out of New England today are showing an apocalyptic, orange and smoky sky. Canada is in flames, and we are only a few hours from the border so we are getting a show. I will say that if this is what nuclear winter is going to look like, the lighting is nice. There is something unnatural about the sky but it is fascinating to look at anyway.

What I was doing outside, amongst other things, was investigating a suspicious web and a sad leaf in my garden. While I don’t think it is caterpillar season, it could be, and that is what I thought I was looking at. It wasn’t until I came in nice and close to take off the branch that I saw it. A giant spider. This is good because they kill pests, but holy shit. I might’ve pooped ‘em.

I warned my wife, who is deathly afraid of spiders, that we had a new roommate and to avoid that section of the yard. What I didn’t know until after she left was that our giant scary spider had given birth to hundreds of tiny ones. She would probably make me burn everything. Thankfully, she has been out of town so I can keep my brood a secret for now.

On the subject of my lovely wife, when she is gone, sometimes I can’t get my mind to just shut the fuck up.

We communicate well, so I am able to explain this without being judged. While she is super into the way I think, evidently she doesn’t have an internal monologue. An example of what I presented to my wife while she nodded in understanding.

“So, say I need to write or do schoolwork but I don’t want to yet. Now, I officially cannot let myself off the hook and will deny myself all of the things I enjoy until the task is performed. If that takes all day, that is a full day of internal self-flagellation. Just a constant stream of ‘why are you so lazy? Why are you so sad? Are you worthless?’ and what have you”

I know other people deal with the same thing, but I find it exhausting.

It isn’t all frowns and rain clouds though. The monologue is always going, even when stuff is going great. This is when I have to write down shit, because my brain will pop off a bunch of good ideas at once and I’ll forget them all. This is why, as I have mentioned previously, I carry a douchey notebook around.

Where I run into issues is being able to zone in on whatever I am doing, whether business or pleasure, without my mind wandering off and me ending up distracted. Logging off of the algorithm and unplugging the internet helps. Even so, I don’t remember everything being this distracting, consistent, or loud.

I don’t know how to end this, so that’s it.

Peace and Love,

JTC